Every time a bell rings...

Proteins are not my friend

2005-08-18T01:46:00.000-04:00

So I'm currently stuck in the lab waiting for my potassium chloride gradient to run through my EAH sepharose column. It's nearly 2am. I started in the lab somewhere around 9:30am. Ugh! I knew that today was going to be long. I just underestimated how long. Generally speaking I like column chromotography. For the unfamiliar, which is most people that might read this, all of this is a bunch of hocus pocus to separate out one particular protein from the gazillions (yes that is a technical term) of other proteins in a cell extract. Imagine you have a bunch of bean bag chairs filled with styrofoan beans of thousands of different colors. You break open the bean bags, dump all of the beans into a big vat. But you just want to have the light purple colored beans. That's what I'm up against here. Obviously I'm tired and I'm beginning to get a little loopy. I really want to get some things done this week though! The Fall semester starts Monday. I'm taking three classes and I have qualifying exams starting in September. Things are going to start to get busy. I really want to get all of my academic stuff out of the way so that I can focus on research and getting to the next stage. Sigh. I wonder what that might be. Oh well. I need to get back to work.

A must see movie!!!

2005-07-28T22:55:00.000-04:00

I'm really tired and I should be in bed at the moment, but I've been meaning to make this post all week. Sunday night I got a chance to see the movie Hotel Rwanda. Wow. It was well done and very moving. I was only in high school when the events surrounding the movie took place, but I remember how much apathy there was to the genocide that was occuring in Rwanda during the 1990's. As Americans we can become so insulated to the outside world. True poverty and social injustice are things we rarely see. We are separated by physical distance and by the large gap that exists between the haves, and the have-nots. This movie does a wonderful job of providing a window into a world most of us don't know exists and it makes me want to do something, anything, to make a difference int the world around me. So, if you haven't seen it yet, see it. It is graphic and violent and you may want to turn away at points, but I think there are lessons to be learned from it that we all need.

That is all for tonight. I need to sleep. G'night!

Me first!!!

2005-07-01T09:18:00.000-04:00

This week has been hard. I feel like I've been pulled in so many different directions. I haven't had much time to focus on myself. I'm beginning to feel the effects of neglecting my own needs. There is this ongoing struggle to find balance in my life. Lately I've taken a back burner. That needs to stop! I can't adequately serve others if I don't take care of myself first!!! I need to reprioritize my day so that I can do things like exercise and eat right. Sigh. I think it's a never ending battle. But I'm not going to give up!!!

I was surfing around looking for some inspirition and I ran across a really amusing blog this morning that I just have to share: http://tinyurl.com/6vz3r (warning, it contains some foul language). Teehee. I'm glad I'm not along in my struggles.

A different approach

2005-06-26T23:26:00.000-04:00

I am in the process of reconfiguring my life. Recently, I have run into a serious limitation of life in general: there just simply isn't enough time to do the things that I want to do. I'm not even talking about big goals here. Really, all I just want to be able to accomplish the basic tasks of daily life, like keeping a clean house, staying in shape, writing in my blog, etc. In the meantime I am trying to remain faithful to the Lord. I've really been struggling with finding spiritual fulfillment lately. Have you heard the saying: BUSY= burdened under Satan's yoke? Seems like I don't have much time to sit and read the Word and reflect on my life. So I have a plan. I have a wonderful book that Michael gave to me called Devotions for Women on the Go. It points to a short Bible reading for each day and provides a short devotion to reflect upon. I am going to commit to reading it each morning and maybe each evening I can sit down at my computer and put my thoughts on the subject into my blog. Sound like a good idea? It does to me.

So today's reflection was on John 12:23-28. The reading focuses on death as a means to new life. The devotion talked about metamorphosis. It discussed the process of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly and how there are "cocooning" times in our lives when we have to sit back and wait for God to work in our lives. There are times when we know what God is calling us to be, but we have to wait until the time is right. Patience is a virtue that is hard to come by. It is a form of death in a way. When we are patient, we are giving up our own desires and agendas and giving ourselves over to the Lord and trusting that He will provide.

I needed to hear this reading today for sure. I spent the weekend with a couple of my sisters and the word marriage was dropped in conversation more times than I can count. Everybody wants to know when I'm going to get married. Ugh! Believe me, I want to get married. I feel a strong call toward the vocation of marriage. Having said that, now is not the time for me or my boyfriend. We're both still in school and we still have some things we'd like to take care of before we get to the point of marriage. Meanwhile, waiting for the right time is hard. We're in a period of coccooning and I know that the Lord is preparing us for something more beautiful than what we could have if we were to get married today. I think that at this point in my life all that I can do is look forward to when the time s right and do what I can to prepare my heart for my vocation.

New favorite song

2005-04-25T22:55:00.000-04:00

So, I should be studying right now, but I just had to report that I've found a new favorite song. Maybe I sing it for my rockstar debut :-)

In You
by Mercy Me

I put my hope in You
I lay my life in palm of your hand
I'm constantly drawn to You Lord
In ways I cannot comprehend

It's the Creator calling the created
The Maker beckoning the made
The bride finding what she's always waited for
When we find ourselves that day

[CHORUS:]
In You where the hungry feast at the table
The blind frozen by colors in view
The lame will dance, They'll dance for they are able
And the weary find rest
Oh the weary find rest in You

It's no secret that we don't belong here
Those set apart by the grace of You
And we look for the day when we go to a place
Where the old becomes brand new.

It's been a really rough week. My cat has been sick (in a v. expensive way) and school is once again stressful. I find this song comforting. Peace!

So I wanna be a rock star

2005-04-17T23:19:00.000-04:00

Secretly, I want to be a rock star. You know, super cool, guitar playing God's girl like Jennifer Knapp. Hmmm. Not sure how that fits with the whole PhD in Biomolecular Science thing.

Ups and Downs

2005-04-07T22:53:00.000-04:00

This has been kindof a strange week. There's been a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes it just feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I'm helpless. Then there are the moments where I feel like I can do almost anything. Right now I'm feeling a little defeated. I feel like there is so much to be done and not enough time to do it. My life is flying by!!! It's kindof scary to think about the passage of time. It can be a little overwhelming. Before I know it, I'll be sixty five and wishing I'd saved more money for retirement. I want to seize life in every moment! I was listening to the song "This is your life" by Switchfoot on the radio today (yes, Z88.3 actually played something different for once) and there were two lines that really struck me:

"this is your life and today is all you've got now"

How true is that?! Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in what's to come, or what I've already done that I forget to live for today. I can't neglect the future or the past, but I need to keep in mind that this moment, right now, is all that I have and I shouldn't take it for granted.

"this is your life, are you who you want to be"

Sometimes I think about what my ideal life would be like. How would I behave? What would I do differently than I'm doing right now. I know that we can't expect perfection and there are some things that we can't acheive or maintain, but I think it's good to have a picture in your mind of who you'd like to be. It's similar to a technique I learned at Weight Watchers where you focus on the positive outcomes of your weight loss efforts as a tool for the journey. I like to imagine myself as a much nicer person who doesn't complain too much and isn't overly critical, who takes good care of herself, takes time to spend with the Lord each day and gives of herself completely. I will probably never live up to that image, but it's good to keep it in mind.

I have to say, now that I've written all of this I am feeling a little better about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. I think it's time for me to head to bed. Goodnight!

Trapped

2005-03-29T10:06:00.000-05:00

So they're finally putting a new roof on my house today. Unfortunately, I didn't leave before they started and I can't figure out how to get out of the house without a shingle landing on my head. This is a problem. I have to say though, I'm very thankful for the new roof. The house has looked pretty sad since August with our blue tarp and disintegrating plastic covering the places where the hurricanes tore up the shingles. Just think, we're just two months away from the next hurricane season! Yay!!! (please note the sarcasm here) Last fall seems like ages ago. I still can't believe that I actually made the move here. It's impowering really. If I have the courage to leave my nice, steady paying job (btw, I hated it!) and my cute little apartment, and all of my friends in Tampa just so that I can go back to school (oh, yeah and be near my boyfriend, I have no shame admitting that), then I can do anything. Maybe next I'll try out for the Amazing Race. I love that show. I wish I could just travel the world and do cool adventurous things. It's hard to do that when you're studying for your PhD. I suppose you can only do one thing at a time. I'll put world travel next on the list.

Well, the whole house is shaking and there's someone hammering directly over my head. Maybe I can find a way out because this is getting to be too much!!!! ACK!!!!

Speed bumps, not road blocks

2005-03-16T22:21:00.000-05:00

Ok so there's this song called "One Thing" by Finger Eleven (strange name) that I really dig. Every time I hear it, it invokes deep thoughts. Here are the lyrics:

One thing

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

I'm not sure what the author had in mind when he wrote the song, but for me it makes me think about life and the things we sacrifice for our own goals and desires. It is my hope that my goals and desires are those of my Lord's and are not of some other less noble and more selfish origin. The one thing that I would like to live for is Jesus Christ. That's not to say that I don't have more tangible goals. There are lots of things that I would like to accomplish in this lifetime. I think all people have a desire to excel in what they set out to do. Failure isn't really something that we generally pursue. But what holds us back from doing what we want to do and what the Lord calls to do? Our biggest obstacle is ourselves. It's no coincidence that the people that we traditionally consider successful are the ones that don't take no for an answer. So here's my little nugget of wisdom for the day:

When we look over the roadmaps that make up our lives, we see ourselves at one end of the road and our dreams and our goals at the other. In between we see our own abilities and our limitations. More often than not we see those limitations as road blocks. I challenge you to look at them instead as speed bumps along the way. Sure, there are going to be those goals and dreams that the Lord strips away because they are not part of His plan, but He has also laid out a life in front of us that is full of great potential to fullfill His glory, it is our jobs to live up to that.

Peace out!

Food

2005-03-12T11:08:00.000-05:00

This is a post from earlier in the week. I don't know why, but my computer fritzed out on me the first time I tried to post it.

I have a somewhat complicated relationship with food. I love it. Perhaps a little too much. It's been said that I experience my world through my mouth. I will try almost anything once. Thus far the most disgusting thing I've had was Vegemite (spp?). Ugh! I tried it is a sandwich (you know, like in the song..."I come from a land down-under"...). One of my friends brought it back from Australia when he was on break from study abroad. Gross! Other than that, I've had mostly positive experiences with culturally diverse food. I have to saw that my dream vacation would be to backpack through Europe eating something new and exciting at each stop along the way. Mmmmm. Cheese in France. Sausage in Germany. Swiss chocolate! Italian pasta! Yummy!!!!!!

So, here's the complication: I love food, but I have no shut off switch. My self control is lacking, particularly in this department (but I'm working on it!). It's a vicious cycle. I eat too much then I feel guilty. In addition to the overindulgence factor, there are so many emotions associated with food! For example, I seek aproval from my peers through my skills in the kitchen. Is that wrong? Tonight I baked a Key Lime cheesecake for the people in my lab. I am just starting out there and I want to get off on the right foot! I'm not so good with interpersonal relationships. I also made dinner for my roomate, my boyfriend and my friend Katie. Oh yeah, and then I baked cookies. It's not like I don't have better things to do! Hmmm. I have issues. Oh well. I enjoy it.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

2005-03-02T22:56:00.000-05:00

Warning, this may be long and rambling, but these things have been on my heart for weeks now and they're all sortof interrelated.

So tonight at Knight Fire (www.CatholicUCF.com) the topic of discussion was marriage and natural family planning. Both are things that I hold in high regard which society does not. It makes me sad, really, to see such beautiful things dessecrated by mass media and our consumerist society. What is it that has brought us to this point where the common perception of genders, sex and marriage are so distorted? I think it all boils down to respect. We don't respect ourselves, we don't respect each other and we don't respect God.

The topic of respect came up in my women's group a couple of weeks ago. One of the girls mentioned that it is our job as women to demand respect from the men around us. This is something that I've really struggled with lately. As a graduate student, I am a teaching assistant for two large microbiology labs. In each one, I teach with two other grad students, all four of which are guys. I have had a serious problem with the other GTAs in one of my labs. They act like complete chauvenistic pigs. They discuss the lack of "hot chicks" in our program, talk about their sex lives, and make desparaging comments about our students in front of me. I feel completely helpless. The few times I have objected to their comments, it has only egged them on. At this point, I just walk away when I see the conversation going in a foul direction. How am I supposed to demand respect from these guys? In all honesty, I have no respect for them. It's particularly sad because both are intelligent young men and one is a really good teacher, but everytime some little morsel of b.s. comes out of their mouths I think less and less of them.

Men are not the only ones to blame. The more I talk to my brothers in Christ, the more I realize how much they struggle with keeping pure minds and hearts and how much harder for them it is when they go to campus and see women all around them dressing suggestively, from low cut shirts to low slung pants and short skirts. I don't care how these girls live their own lives. I'd love it if they all came to know Christ, but I'm not going to force it on them. They are young adults and they can make their own life choices. What makes me angry is that it is leading my male friends, who try so hard to live chaste lives, into temptation. It's like second hand smoke. Even though you're the one smoking the cigarette, you're sharing the cancer risk with people all around you. Like it or not, everything we do affects another person in some way. What these girls don't realize is that they're beautiful no matter what they wear. Guys can see that. There's no reason to walk around half naked. If anything, it takes away some of the mystery that guys find intriguing. Please LADIES SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT FOR YOURSELVES and for those guys that choose not to live the lifestyle you have chosen.

These are just two examples of how we have lost respect for ourselves and for the opposite sex. I don't have a solution, but I know that this is not what God had in mind when he created man and woman. We were made to love each other and to support each other. There is such beauty in both genders. We need to recognize that and respect it. That's all I've got for now. Peace!

Simplify

2005-02-22T22:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I've failed at my resolution to write every week. Life just gets in the way sometimes. Hmmm. That seems to be an overarching theme these days. There are so many things on my to do list, but by the time I get home I'm so tired that I just collapse into my bed. Of course there is one minor distraction that is also keeping me relatively unproductive at home. TV. How is it that that machine holds such an attraction to me? It's not like the things I watch are really worthwhile. But I watch them anyway. Ugh!!! I don't even have cable!!! I've been struggling with finding a practical lenten sacrifice, and I think I'm just going to give up TV. It'll be good for me. I need to simplify my life, weed out the unneccessary distractions. TV is one of them. I'd also like to do some serious spring cleaning to get rid of all the clutter in my bedroom. It drives me crazy to be so disorganized!!!!! I suppose I just need to take my own advice and eat the elephant one bite at a time :-)

I'm Back!!!

2005-02-02T13:37:00.000-05:00

Hello again! Ok so I've been a little bit of a slacker lately on the whole blog thing, but I've been somehwat busy!!! Now that we're over a month into the new year, I have a couple of resolutions to make:

1. Better manage my time so that I won't burn out.
2. Commit to writing in my blog at least once a week

That being said, the topic that I would like to cover today is blind faith. It is a gift to have faith in God without question, however, it is our responsibility to be informed about our faith. Christ established the church as a resource for humanity to turn to in matters of faith. Unfortunately, too many people use the church as a crutch. They live their lives in the way that is prescribed by the church without understanding why. I know that I've been guilty of this at times. If we want to spread the Gospel (which is what we are asked to do as Christians) then we need to have an grasp on how it applies to our daily lives, including the customs and traditions of the church. I will expand on this in the coming days.

I got a card once that quoted Einstein saying, "The important thing is
to never stop questioning." Something to think about.

Bias

2004-11-19T17:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I have to admit I'm becoming a bit of a CSI junkie. I don't know why. I guess I just like the whole mystery thing. Really, it is a rather mordbid show. On the other hand, being a public health nut you'd think that I'd like NBC's Medical Investigations. Ugh! No way! The only time I watched the show I sat there the whole time aggrivated with the inaccuracies and unrealistic nature of it...I'm getting off topic...

The reason I bring up CSI is that there was something about the episode last night really bothered me. The victim in this episode was a man that had a sex change operation. During the investigation they discover that he was engaged to be married. They visit the bereaved fiance and find out that he didn't know that the woman he was supposed to marry was really a man. You see, he didn't believe in extramarital sex and his fiance never let him in on the little secret. Come on! People who choose not to have sex before getting married are neither naive or stupid! Why is it that TV and movies always portray us that way? I'm tired of it. I know too many people that have fought so hard to avoid sex outside of marriage to see them portrayed as idiots. We've made a concious decision to live a life that we think is right. Each of us has different reasons for it. But it is a sacrifice we choose to make. Why belittle that? ARG!!!

I guess maybe they possess a bias because of the general public's insecurity about the issue. It's like in junior high when the other girls make fun of you because your intellegence intimidates them (junior high was a painful experience). Hollywood can't understand why someone would put intentionally choose to turn away from the self indulgent lifestyle that it perpetuates. Eventually they'll learn.

Moral Dilemma

2004-11-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I took my test this morning. I don't know how I feel about it yet. We'll see how it's graded before I make up my mind :-) So, I have a bit of a moral dilemma regarding the test. Apparently some of the students in the class got a hold of last year's test. I should tell you that the class is taught by several different professors with each one writing their own portions of the exam. Well, one of the professors didn't change his questions much if at all, so those students who were able to look at the old test pretty much had the answers given to them. I have to say I feel really cheated by this. For one, I studied my butt off with no real idea how the test was going to look. There was a lot of material and the professor in question didn't give any real guide as to his expectations. He didn't even bother to show up for the review session. So first of all, these students had an unfair advantage just knowing the format of the questions. Not to mention they had the answers! Second, the class is graded on a curve. So if these guys did really well, then I'm just out of luck as far as my grade goes. So what do I do? Should I go to the professor that coordinates the course? Or do I just grin and bear it. I'm afraid that if I say anything two things will happen,

1) Nothing. Then I am faced with this rather bitter feeling that there is no academic integrity at this university.

2) He takes action and the students that had the chance to see the test get penalized somehow. This is bad too because then they may find out it was me and then I look bad to my fellow students (not to mention, one of the people that saw the test is the guy I teach with).

The best possible solution would be to allow us a second chance at the exam, each of us with equal footing. Arg.

What is the right decision? Tell me what you think! I have a book of daily devotionals and today it focused on the story of Esther and how she spoke up and told the King about assassination plans against him. In this case she earned his trust by being the whistle blower. How is this going to play out for me?

Thank God for Computer Geeks!

2004-11-16T20:55:00.000-05:00

Beside the fact that I'm dating one, I find that computer geeks have made my life tremendously easier. Tonight I finally was able to use the CD that came with my molecular biology textbook. Wow! All that stuff I said earlier about boring presentations has been cancelled out by this cool CD. It had really nice, straightforward animations that took complicated topics and boiled them down to their main points. Sweet! I just had to share the joy. Now I must go back to the books. Sigh.

Yet another test

2004-11-16T14:36:00.000-05:00

I have yet another test tomorrow. At least this is the last one for the semester. They truly are trying to bore me to death!!! I'm trying to figure out how this is supposed to keep me interested and make me want to keep studying for my PhD. There has to be a better way of presenting this material. Ugh!!! I'm so tired of looking through bland power point slides that aren't really helpful in the first place. I swear that if I make it through all of this and eventually become a college professor, I am going to invest some serious time into learning good teaching techniques. Blah! I better get back to studying. Only 80 some odd slides to go!

Image

2004-11-12T20:02:00.000-05:00

This is a topic that I've been meaning to talk about for some time now. It never ceases to amaze me what some girls will wear to class. I'm not about to call for a dress code at the university (I did go to class a couple of times in my pajamas back at Florida State), but I would like to make a plea for common decency and self respect. I know that low waist pants are the big trend right now. I even own a few pairs (they're comfortable!), but who ever came up with the idea that they should hang so low that they sit just above the pubic bone and that one's g-string should hang out the backside? Why on earth would you wear a g-string to class anyway?! Then there's the girls that wear tiny, low-cut shirts that show off their cleavage. Clothes like these leave very little to the imagination.

How can women demand respect when they don't show it to themselves? How can someone expect to be taken seriously when they dress like a prostitute for class? Honestly! Why are they in school? To get a degree or to pick up guys? These are extremes, but it's important for every woman to examine how she presents herself to the world. God created us as beautiful creatures. We should honor that gift. It cannot be denied that women have a certain amount of power because of this gift. Michael often teases me about using my "powers for good". There's truth in that. In Greek mythology we hear about the sirens capturing sailors and in Irish folklore there are tales of banshies. Men can be stupid in the presence of a good looking woman especially when she presents herself as merely a sexual object.

On the flip side, I think there's a responsibility for those of us that choose live out loud as Christian women to present ourselves well. I struggle with that. It's always been awkward to me to spend much time on my image. Maybe because for so long I didn't like what I looked like. I don't know, but I think it's important to show that you can be both chaste and well dressed at the same time. Too many people hold out an image of the Christian young adult as a uptight geek. We need to change that. We need to reflect an image that shows true beauty, not superficial sexuality.

Bad decisions

2004-11-10T16:16:00.000-05:00

There are times that what seems logical and prudent is not what I do. I have two main goals for this week: study for my test and reach the 40lb mark in my weight loss. So far I've only studied a little bit. I need to get to it! I was doing really good on the weight loss front until this afternoon when I celebrated half pound burrito day at Taco Bell. It happens. Somehow I have to convince my body that I don't need to eat dinner. It'll be ok. I don't think one minor indescretion is going to ruin the week. I think I might go take a nap.

Good Intentions

2004-11-08T10:02:00.000-05:00

Why does it always seem that I have good intentions, but things don't work out the way I planned? Somehow I keep missing a step in the execution. I have yet another test coming up next week. Fortunately it's the last one for the semester. Yay! Unfortunately I feel completely unprepared. Heck, I just ordered the textbook online today. I'm such a slacker! Adequately studying for this test seems like an insurmountable task. I keep reminding Michael to take big tasks in little bites, I need to heed my own advice. After the last test I swore I was going to study a little bit each day as I went along. Hah! So much for that idea. I now have to learn several weeks worth of material within one week. Yikes! What was I thinking?! It is so easy to get off track!

I think it's like that in all aspects of our lives. If we don't make things a priority they don't get done. In the last year I've lost a fair amount of weight, but for years and years (as long as I can remember) I kept wishing that I was thinner. I could just imagine being able wear fun clothes and not always worrying about how bad I looked. I could imagine all sorts of good things that would come with losing weight, but I never took the steps to make it happen. It was always something to be put off to tomorrow. Somewhere along the way there came a shift in the way I thought and I made it a priority. I made a concious effort in everything (well almost everything) I did to make choices that would help me to reach my weight goals. I took baby steps, but all the while with my ultimate goal in mind. I still have a little way to go on my journey (its really a journey that will never end) and I have had my bumps along the way, but to see how far I've come is enough to keep me going.

I need to take what I've learned and apply it to other areas of my life. I need to look at earning my PhD as an ultimate goal, with each test and project as part of that journey. I need to make choices that will help me, not hinder me. I need to make this a real priority. That's hard. I've realized that it means putting some other things on the back burner. I cannot be super woman. Arg. It requires an in depth evaluation of my life, my dreams, and my desires at each step along the way. It also requires constant conversation with God to discern His will for my life. I pray each day that I am walking the path that He would choose for me. Along the way I hope to leave behind a trail of achievements not just good intentions.

Jesus saves!

2004-11-04T19:30:00.000-05:00

Did you ever hear the story about the time Jesus and Satan decided competed against each other to a programming contest? They both worked furiously for days non-stop in front of the computer. On the last day Satan sat back in his chair and laughed knowing that his program was by far the best possible. Just then the power went out. When it came back on Satan looked at the blank computer screen and whimpered as in pain. Jesus on the other hand smiled and with the touch of a button his program executed flawlessly. Satan was in awe. How was it possible? He lost everything when the power went out. Jesus' computer crashed just like his. Ah, but the fact of the matter is Jesus Saves!

I know that's a really corny joke but I just spent the better part of 20 minutes writing a completely different post that was inadvertantly deleted. Arg.

As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, David Crowder Band is coming to Orlando on November 17. I'm really excited about that. I just got their CD and its pretty groovy. That day I will have my last test for the semester and I will pretty much be done with the class that I am teaching. Rock on! I love Christian music. It reinforces my faith rather than challenges it. Sometimes I wonder why I ever though it was silly or uncool. I think maybe it was because it's different that what everyone else listens to. At the time I wasn't open to what it had to say. I think that is why most people steer away from it. Well there's that and the lack of good Christian radio stations (although that is changing!). I miss my radio station in Tampa. It was such a wonderful daily encouragement. The radio station here in Orlando is good, but they play the same songs over and over again and pretty much all of them are at least two years old. You take what you can get I guess. The DJs still offer words of encouragement and help to make this place feel more like a community. As it is, I should be thankful that I live in a place where Christian radio is even possible!

Assumptions

2004-11-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

Well, the election is over and we have George W. Bush as president for another 4 years. It has become clear that the democratic party made some faulty assumptions that ended up burning them in the end. They assumed that the youth vote would be strong and in their favor. They assumed that a large voter turnout would be another plus. They also assumed that the American people disliked Bush so much that they would vote for anybody else. We all know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of u and me.

I' ve come across some people myself today that were making some rather stupid assumptions, in particular about why people voted for Bush in the first place. There was an exit poll yesterday that indicated that the most important issue (I think it held about 20%) to voters yesterday was moral values. I think we've learned what kind of merit exit polls have but I think there's some truth to that statistic, at least in a broader sense. Someone I talked to today said he couldn't understand why people put their faith in a polititian to be their source of morality. Another person quoted someone from the news saying that it all came down to 3 G's: God, guns, and gays.

I can't speak for everyone, but I can say that my moral values shape who I am and the decisions that I make. I certainly don't look to George W. Bush as a moral guide. The man is a politician for crying out loud! If I want guidance I go to the Church. Because I am a person of faith, every decision I make involves God. I'm somewhat ambivalent about guns. As for gays, they are people like the rest of us. They may be misguided, but I don't think they should be treated as second class citizens. It is my personal opinion that the increasing prevalence of homosexuality is just another symptom of a greater problem which is the utter disrespect for the fundamental gift of life that God gave to humanity. God granted men and women the opportunity to join Him in His creation. How cool is that? I'm afraid as a whole our society has lost sight of that. If you truly want to know why I voted for Bush, it is this issue alone.

Oh geez! It's getting late. I'll expand on this later. I've got a presentation to work on!!!!!!!!!

Ugh! I don't wanna!

2004-11-02T16:11:00.000-05:00

There's only so much information that the human brain can process at one time. I'm supposed to be preparing a presentation for my seminar class on Thursday afternoon. The topic is a long and drawn out paper regarding somewhat obscure cell signalling pathways. I'm sure the authors thought that what they were writing was very interesting indeed, however I am having trouble keeping awake! I have been taking it piece by piece with little breaks here and there to refresh my brain. I just keep telling myself that I really only need to get through 2 more weeks and then the rest of the semester should be relatively easy. I need to buckle down! I really wanted to have the presentation done so that I could work on my presenting skills which leave much to be desired. Oh well. Hopefully I can get the thing done today and practice tomorrow. I'm afraid that's a little optimistic, but that's how it goes sometimes.

As for other events in my life, I voted this morning. I feel pretty good about it although it took a lot longer than I expected. There were a lot of people at the polling place and it was somewhat chaotic. Now we just sit back and wait to see how it turns out. I thought it might be fun to sit around with some friends late tonight at play ballot bingo as the results come in. Each person marks a sample ballot with their preferred candidates/ammendments/etc. Whoever chooses the most winners should get a prize :-) Unfortunately, I'll probably just be in the computer lab working on this presentation and I won't get to play. Sigh.

My Civic Duty

2004-11-02T00:09:00.000-05:00

It's been a while hasn't it? I've been somewhat disctracted with the whole no car, big exam, hectic life thing. It seems like things are starting to assume some semblence of order. God willing.

So tomorrow I shall fullfill my civic duty and participate in the election. Wasn't it Thomas Jefferson that held the viewpoint that the general public was too dumb to be given full responsibility for determining our government and thus we have the electoral college? Either way, I can see the point. Voting is hard! I spent several hours of my free time (which really should have been devoted to preparing my presentation for class on Thursday) to researching the different candidates for the various offices. Ugh. In most cases the choices are between bad and somewhat questionable candidates. I'm still trying to figure out how an 88 year old grandmother, a former baggage handler, and a lawyer are all running for the same office. American politics at it's best I suppose. I can only hope I'm making the right decisions. It remains to be seen.

Credit Report

2004-10-11T10:55:00.000-04:00

This morning, as I prepare to buy a new car, I ordered a copy of my credit report. The thing that frustrates me the most about those darn things is how poorly they represent who I really am. Now I admit, I was pretty foolish with a credit card when I was in college. That stuff will remain on my credit report 7 years after the fact. Its been almost five years since I made those mistakes, but those reports aren't very good at showing how much I've changed. I'm a completely different person now! The paper doesn't really reflect that. It just boils down everything I've done to a number, a credit score.

Praise the Lord that He doesn't keep records like that on us when it comes to our relationship with Him. Mine would be pretty ugly. I can just imagine walking up to the gates of Heaven when I die and seeing St. Peter at a desk. He takes a look at me and says, "Name, address, FID # (faith identification number), and mother's maiden name please". He'd pull my file up on the computer and tell me that my WISPI (works, intercessions, sins, prayers, and indulgences) score was too low and that I wasn't good enough for salvation. That's just it though. None of us are good enough for salvation. Heaven would be a pretty empty place. By God's grace through Christ we don't earn salvation. When we face our sins, ask Him for forgiveness, and pursue a relationship with Him, God throws it all away. That report is torn up. We start new. Each day is an opportunity to start fresh. Each moment we have we can turn away from our past and let it go. That's a pretty cool thing!

Self Worth

2004-10-10T22:27:00.000-04:00

Well the diagnosis is in and unfortunately my car is considered totalled. I got the news on Friday and I've been somewhat of a grump ever since. It's not just about the car, but what it represents. My mom and stepdad helped my to buy that car during my last year of college. Paying it off has been my chance to prove myself financially. Writing that last check back in July was like a coming of age, I could finally put all of my financial stupidity from my college days behind me. In one quick moment all of that was gone. It's funny how we tend to place our self worth in how we handle money or what we look like. I suppose I've been so grumpy because I am overall feeling kindof bad about myself. It seems like every other minute or so I'm being irrational and whiny. I know that I shouldn't place so much importance on things that don't really matter. The simple fact that God created me in His image should give me adequate strength. I am beautiful and special to Him no matter what I do. Knowing that in my head and feeling it in my heart, however, are two very different things. I just need to continually look to Him for reassurance. Life has its challenges, but regardless of how we deal with those challenges, we are still loved. Thats a hard thing to come to grips with when we live in a society that teaches that we have to earn the right to be loved.

So Tired!!!

2004-10-06T09:55:00.000-04:00

I really need a vacation. Or I need to get rid of the cat. She has a really annoying habit of getting up at ungodly hours of the morning and pestering me until I feed her. This morning it was 4:30am!!! Usually I just grab a can of cat food, pop the top off, dump it into her bowl, and crawl back in bed. In particular, I like the cat food with gravy in it because it's easier to dump out and does not require as much force against the side of the bowl and thus requires less effort. Unfortunately, in the early dark hours of this morning I didn't realize that the can I picked up was the gravy kind and I managed to get it all over my fingers and the carpet en route to the bowl. Seeing as I am a renter (the carpet is relatively new and my roomate is my landlord) and I can't sleep with fingers that smell like rotten fish, I ventured out of my room in a quest for a damp paper towel and clean hands. As I entered my bathroom I encountered a spider. It looked rather mean and dangerous so I quickly diverted my path to the Kitchen where I retrieved the paper towel and proceeded to clean up the cat food mess. My fingers still smelled rank and there was now a scary and venomous looking spider lurking in the dark outside my room. I decided that the best course of action was to use a shoe to squish the spider at which point I could then enter my bathroom and rid my fingers of the wretched stink. Sounds like a good idea right? Wrong. As I squashed the big spider with my shoe, about 200 little baby spiders came squirming out everywhere. ACK!!! Just imaging me freaking out and pounding my shoe all over the tile floor in an attempt to kill all of the little buggers all the while trying not to wake up my roommate. Eventually I realized that it was a futile quest to try to kill all the of spider spawn and gave up. I washed my hands and attempted to get back to sleep but was faced with scenes from the second Harry Potter movie every time I closed my eyes. I think I'm going to buy one of those automatic cat feeders that opens on a timer.

Ok, so I know this was neither deep nor profound, but I promise I will try harder next time. All of my deep and profound thoughts have been drained out of my brain to make room for chemical equations.

School has taken over my life!!!

2004-10-05T08:58:00.000-04:00

Where did my life go? I used to have hobbies. I had leisure time. For the last few days I've though about nothing other than school (that's only a slight exaggeration). Last night I even dreamt about phosphoryl hydrolysis and protein cross linking reactions. Ack! What happened to nice happy dreams about a quiet beach in Tahiti? I can't even relax when I sleep. I need to meditate or something to clear my mind before bed. Hmm. That would be good except that I am so tired by the time my head hits the pillow I almost instantly fall asleep. Did I mention I've acquired a rather nasty coffee habit? I'm up to 2-3 cups a day. I am doing all of these things by choice. I put myself in grad school. I don't have to be here. I must be mad.

I better get back to it though. I've got to be at school soon.

When it rains it pours

2004-10-01T18:47:00.000-04:00

October is my favorite month, but it did not start off well this morning. Yep. So I rear ended someone as I was driving to class at 7:30am. Stupid morning classes. I keep saying that I don't function well that early. It's true! The whole thing was totally my fault. I thought the car in front of me was moving, unfortunately it wasn't. ARG!!! I just want a little stability! Is that too much to ask for? Just as things were getting sortof routine I had to wreck my car. I have no idea how long it's going to take for the thing to get fixed or if it's even worth fixing. I was in first gear!!! FIRST GEAR!!! I couldn't have been going more than 10 mph. But the other car was a *&^#% SUV !!!!!!! Seeing as I drive a Neon there wasn't much hope. I lodged my car underneath their bumper, ruined the hood, two front corner panels, my bumper, and something was making a funny noise under the hood, meanwhile I think I bent their license tag. Why now?! I keep trying to look at this positively. I wasn't hurt and it's just a car, but it does throw a kink into things. Ok, so now I've had my cat get violently ill, three hurricanes thrown at me and I've wrecked my car. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Or maybe this is just a test. Who knows! Ugh!!!!

Drive

2004-09-28T23:23:00.000-04:00

I sometimes wonder why God gave me the gifts that I have. I've always been told that I'm intelligent and I've been pretty good at getting through school throughout the years, but I lack a certain amount of drive. As hurricane #4 hit Florida this weekend (btw I approached this one with a sense of disinterest and resignment rather than the typical panic) I enjoyed the nice Fall weather of Connecticut. We were just supposed to go up for Friday through Sunday for a wedding, but seeing as all flights were cancelled heading into Orlando on Sunday and into Monday, I got a little mini vacation. Yesterday Michael and I took a road trip up to Boston. We travelled from one end of town to the other in a whirlwind tour of the city. There are a lot of universities in Boston. We visited the campuses of Boston College, MIT, and Harvard. Walking around these prestigious universities made me feel like a bit of an underachiever. I don't doubt my ability to go to a school like that and succeed, but I just don't have the desire. What drives us? I suppose only God can answer that. I don't know where I'm going with this. I haven't had much sleep in the last few days. But the point that I think I am getting at is that I left Boston yesterday feeling like there was much for me to accomplish and that I need to stop dilly dallying around. God brought me back to school for a reason. I don't know what that is yet, and sometimes I think I'm crazy for being here. But I have to give it the best that I can that's all that I can do for now.

Trust Part II

2004-09-22T10:01:00.000-04:00

Mmmmmm...chocolate covered espresso beans are good!!! Whoever came up with the idea should be rewarded. So the test wasn't as bad as it could have been. Looking back over the last few days I've noticed how little I allowed myself to let go of the things that I have no control over and let God in. I truly was on the verge of a nervous breakdown yesterday afternoon. I'v e talked a lot about trust in this blog. I guess it's just an ongoing process. Looking at it in terms of an exam puts things into interesting perspective. I guess trust has two parts, yours and God's. If I hadn't studied at all for this exam and just said I trust that God will get me that A, then I probably would have failed. But then again, if I had done what I could do to study and realized that it is all that is in my control and put my trust in God and let Him do His part, my mind might have been a bit clearer this morning and I wouldn't be so hyped up on caffeine. You live and you learn. I think I did alright on the test. I won't find out for a few weeks. All I can really do is learn from my mistakes and move forward :-)

Judgement Hour

2004-09-22T06:59:00.000-04:00

I've studied as much as I can. I don't think it's possible to cram anything else into my little brain. God willing, my professors will go easy on us. I sure hope so. In a few hours I will either feel completely despondent, overjoyed, or just relieved. We'll see which one it is. I better get a move on. $^#$*@%$#!!! biochemistry!!!!

Panic!!!

2004-09-21T08:03:00.000-04:00

Ok. I'm officially freaking out about the exam I have tomorrow. I am so not ready and there just doesn't seem like there's enough time to get ready. Dagnabit! I really felt like I was doing well with studying. I think I've studied more in the last week than I ever did for most of my undergraduate classes. Suddenly yesterday afternoon/evening I realized that there is so much that I don't know and that I'm not sure I'm going to know. ACK!!! I never used to have test anxiety. This is not traditionally a problem for me. Why didn't I study more as an undergrad?! I even went to bed early last night so that my mind would be fresh for the morning and I just feel like I'm wading through mud. Can't think straight! Maybe I've had a little too much coffee. Perhaps that could be it. I think I'll finish this cup and go get some exercise to get those endorphins going. Maybe that will help...

Pursuing Him in every thought and action

2004-09-18T22:18:00.000-04:00

I'm still struggling with my studies, but there's plenty of time left before my test Wednesday morning. I meant to dedicate a large portion of my day to reading the textbook, but it just didn't work out that way. Tonight I keep trying to sit down and read, but I just keep dozing off. It's just not meant to be today.

An issue came up the other night within my group of friends regarding the differences between protestants and Catholics. Someone voiced some really ignorant and rather stupid opinions. I've encountered this a lot on both sides of the fence. Some of the things that I've heard have been downright mean and hurtful. I firmly believe that we could learn a lot from each other if we could just get past the semantics and nuances of our faiths. A little understanding could go a long way.

One of the things that is discussed a lot is this idea of faith and works. It is a common misconception out there that Catholics believe that we can work our way into heaven. I think there are a lot of Catholics that hold this misconception. I was trying to think my way through this the other night. I've read a lot about the topic in the past (Check out THIS LINK from Lifeteen.com for a good article) and I think I've got my brain around a pretty good idea. We are only given the gift of salvation through God's grace and Christ's sacrifice on the cross. All that is asked of us is that we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior. But what does it mean to accept Christ? Is it a single act, a moment in time, where we stand before the altar and profess our faith? I don't think so. We are not static. With each new day we become new people. I believe that accepting Christ is a decision to be made each moment we are alive. Works are an expression of faith. They can fortify us, or they can break us down. I think of it like this. As we perform good deeds and acts of mercy and we go to church and seek knowlege of our faith we are pursuing a relationship with Christ. We draw nearer to Him through love. Each one of these works is an act of acceptance. The opposite is when we fall into sin. By giving into the temptations of the world and acting selfishly, we can spiral into an attitude where we reject God and make other things the center of our lives. Unfortunately, we all sin, but none of it matters if we turn away from it and ask the Lord for forgiveness, He will readily accept us back.

I don't know that I've done this topic justice. Maybe I will come back to it again. But for now that's all I got. Peace!!!

Stewardship

2004-09-16T10:02:00.000-04:00

Oh my gosh! I should so be studying right now, but just can't seem to motivate myself. I have a huge test next week. This is the first one I've had since returning to grad school. What if I fail? Should I just hang my head and leave the program? I already feel like I don't really belong here. God what are you doing to me?! I keep telling myself that he put me here for a reason. He gave me the talents I need to succeed and He opened the door for me to go back to school. This Sunday's readings focus on stewardship, about using the gifts that you have to build up God's kingdom, not your own earthly kingdom. The Gospel talks about dishonest wealth and about how can we be trusted with the treasures of Heaven if we can't be trusted with the treasures of this world (http://www.usccb.org/nab/091904.htm). I have had a lot of teachers tell me that I was not living up to my potential. I look back at my college career and see how l just did the minimal thing to get by. There are so many people out there that can't afford to even go to college or don't think that they are good enough for it. I was so richly blessed to have that opportunity and looking back I feel like I've squandered the gifts I was given. You live and you learn I suppose. All I can do is move forward. God has brought me back to school for a reason. I can't even pretend to know His plan, but I know that He has one. I have to put my faith in Him and do what I can with the gifts I have been given. Am I afraid of failure? Absolutely. But God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Control

2004-09-09T23:48:00.000-04:00

God give me the serenity to accept things which cannot be changed;
Give me courage to change things which must be changed;
And the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.

These past few weeks have made me realize that perhaps I'm a bit of a control freak. My life has turned upside down in the last two months. Before I moved to Orlando everything was well ordered. I had a pretty firm grip on my time. I practiced my guitar, I exercised regularly, I ate right, and I felt pretty good about things as a whole. Since then I've quit my job, moved to a new town, started grad school, found a new group of friends and gone through two hurricanes. Suddenly I don't have as much control over my life and I feel like I've let that get in the way of some of the things that I value. It's not that the changes weren't for the better, but I've let the chaos seep into areas of my life that I should still be able to have some control over. Rather than following the words of wisdom in the prayer above, I have let go of the things I can change. With a new routine how do I work those things back in? How to I gain control over the things that are within my power to change? I suppose it's just a matter of taking it one step at a time. Taking it back in bits and pieces, working with what is available. At the same time I really need to let go of the things I can't control. This whole hurrricane thing has turned me into a bundle of nerves. Huh. You know what? I think the answer was chased around my kitchen earlier this evening. Somehow a frog had gotten in the house and I found my cat taunting it. A frog should remind me to Fully Rely On God (F.R.O.G.). Maybe God really does speak to us in the little things.

Surviving the Storm

2004-09-06T22:38:00.000-04:00

Well, so long Frances. Goodbye Charley. Ivan, if you even think to veer northwards towards us, I will need to find a doctor to prescribe a really good sedative. Hmm. That might not work. No health insurance at the moment. I need to take care of that.

Two very important lessons have been learned through these storms. The first I spoke about before. Trust in the Lord and He will protect you. The second is that it is so important to be part of a community. I look at my immediate family. I have four sisters that live in three different states. My parents both live here in Florida, but my family is pretty well spread out. We love each other dearly, but we don't really depend on each other for the day to day support. This is where my church has become my family. I have been so richly blessed throughout my life, particularly as I have moved here to Orlando. We have an amazing group of students at UCF that are part of the Catholic Campus Ministry (www.catholicUCF.com). I feel like they immediately made me part of their faith family. As hurricane Francis loomed in front of us we gathered together and supported each other. That is what a community is truly about. As I have moved through life I have always found a home within the church community in whatever city I lived in. It has been a constant throughout my life. I know not everyone has had the same experience that I have. I know that there are plenty of church communities out there that are disfunctional, but I think it is our responsibility as Christians to build communities that foster the faith. Even when I've had my doubts about my beliefs I have always felt at home within the community around the Church. It is that community that has held me together. As humans we naturally desire to be included in some form of group. I think that's why sororities and fraternities are so popular on college campuses. It is so important for us as Christians to understand that basic desire and to fulfill it through the Church. There's a reason that so much of the book of Acts was dedicated to community building. It is the framework in which the Church is built. As I have gone through this crazy week I've really come to realize the importance of the ties that bind us together and I have been so greatful for the gifts that have been given to me through others.

Trust

2004-09-02T15:52:00.000-04:00

I just moved to Orlando on the first of August to go back to school at the University of Central Florida. It was a big decision to choose to come here. I kept asking the Lord if this was His will, but I'm beginning to think maybe I didn't hear Him correctly. Don't get me wrong, on the whole things have been very good here. The transition to a new city (i.e. finding a roommate, making new friends, finding a new church community, etc.) has gone exceptionally smoothly. I've been so happy. God had to have a hand in that. However, since I moved here I've been through one major hurricane and another is on the way. I've lived in Florida my entire life. I have never experienced anything like this. After hurricane Charley my house was without power for a week. I was in pretty good shape in comparison to many others, but it wears on you. As I've watched this next hurricane, Francis, approach I've been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I can't help but wonder if God is trying to tell me something. Who knows? I guess this is where I just need to rely on what I know. Trust in Him with all my heart. I have no choice but to go through this. I can't change the fact that the hurricane is coming my way. Maybe God is trying to teach me something through this, but I can't worry about it. What will come, will come. He will give me what I need if I rely fully on Him.

There's a jar of pennies on my desk. Written on each one is "In God we trust". To get through this, I just need to remember that one simple phrase. I am going to be carrying around a bunch of pennies in my pocket for the next fews days and trust in Him.

Outside Looking In

2004-08-30T22:24:00.000-04:00

I have been a Christian my entire life. I was raised in a Christian family and I grew up going to Catholic school. I'm what you might call a cradle Catholic. I know that I have taken my faith for granted in the past and I will likely do it again in the future. Sometimes I get a little bit jealous of those people that come to know the Lord later in life. For them it's more of a journey home. I have had times in my life where I have distanced myself from God, but I've never really wandered too far. I guess it's just easy to stay close by when it is the place where you feel most comfortable. That alone should be enough to encourage parents to give their kids a Christian upbringing. But I digress. What I'm getting at is that for me it is sometimes hard to imagine what it must be like for someone from outside the faith to take a closer look. I'm sure a lot of the things we do seem weird and old school. I love having friends that are going through the inquiry process. They ask really good questions that those of us that have been doing this our whole lives tend to forget to ask. It gives me a chance to learn more about my beliefs and to explore why I believe the things I do.

I cannot stress enough how important it is for us to be actively involved in learning about our faith. For so many people looking in from outside we really do seem to be backwards and old fashioned. Some might say we're judgemental and condescending. To others we appear to just be sheep blindly following a set of ideals. Every question received about my beliefs is an opportunity to share this wonderful gift I have been given. I know that I said that I sometimes get jealous of those that are new to the faith, but that is only because they get to go through that cool honeymoon phase that leaves them excited and giddy for Christ. I have been so richly blessed to have had such a close relationship with my Lord for my entire life. It's like meeting your soulmate on the first day of first grade. Ultimately, faith is a love relationship. Have you ever noticed that when you're in a relationship you want to fix all of your friends up on blind dates so that they can be happy and in love too? I have a great guy that I want to introduce to you. I think you might like him. He's got everything you're looking for. He's sensitive, caring, and giving. He's strong and well spoken. He even likes kids! I hope that you get the chance to meet him. Maybe I can set you up. His name is Jesus.

Opening Thoughts

2004-08-26T00:43:00.000-04:00

I'm starting this blog because sometimes I get these extremely profound thoughts (at least they seem that way to me) and I feel the overwhelming desire to share them. For the most part these thoughts revolve around my faith life. I am a Christian and my world view and life perception is a result of that. Someone once said that life is a journey, not a destination. I like that phrase, but I would like to challenge it in one respect. Life is not static. It is a series of events and experiences that occur over time. We take these experiences and we react to them. We can choose how we react and we build upon what we've learned. That is the journey part; however, ultimately our time on this earth ends. For all intensive purposes, we don't really know what comes next, where our destination is. This is where I rely on faith. I believe that there is a home for each one of us in God's kingdom. He gives me the choice to walk with Him in faith, or to give in to the things of this world. It has been made clear in the Bible that this second choice will not lead me home. All that He asks of us is that I accept Christ as our savior. I want to be clear that acceptance is not a phrase, thought, or a single act at an altar. Accepting Christ in our lives is a daily choice. This goes back to this whole idea of a journey. Each day, in every minute and every little action, we choose whether or not to follow Christ. There are times when every single one of us fails at this, but ultimately we should strive for unity with God for this is what will lead us home.

That being said, I do not claim to be a theologian or scholar, just a simple person trying to live my life as best I can. I am not trying to be pretentious or to present myself as more than I am. I have picked the name Earthangel because that is what I strive to be. I want to be a servant of God on this planet. I know that I cannot earn myself a way into heaven, that it is a gift given to us freely by Christ, but while I roam the Earth I want to be an angel to those around me- sharing the Word of God through my actions and through my thoughts.